Roller Coaster of (Self) Love

Hello, friends. It has been quite a while since I’ve written something new. While I’m always learning, always evolving, sometimes I just don’t have the energy to share it with you. Now I’m ready, and I’m very excited to connect with you all again on this level. Life is funny. It sends you lessons, sometimes the same lessons you’ve seen before, over and over, but each time there is a new twist. At times I feel like life is a maze that we go in and out of—we might come out the same opening more than once, but the way that we reached it is never the same way twice.

Trying to take too much control doesn’t do anyone any good. No matter what I do, life is going to happen, and I can either get ahead of it and attempt to control it, or hang on for the ride and hope for the best. The first six months of 2015 I only had enough juice left to hang on… and maybe that was the best thing for me.
I felt lonely. I’ve been single a long time, most of you know this. It gives me a freedom that is amazing, but I was missing having a partner by my side. A month into the new year, something changed in that department. I began a beautiful journey with someone that took me places I never expected. We didn’t put a label on it; we were simply companions, mindful of the love between us and with a goal of becoming better and more aware partners to the people we would encounter down the road.
I spent much of my energy on others. My mother had double knee replacement in June, so I went to care for her for three weeks. Oh boy, did I have high hopes for those three weeks. I was going to get some serious writing done while seeing my school buddies, all while taking care of my mother. That turned out to be a pipe dream. I was working 24/7. When you can’t walk or stand for long periods, there are a lot of things you can’t do…I guess I hadn’t taken that into consideration. I thought I’d be cooking a meal here and there, driving her to the physical therapist and the library…that kind of thing. I did those, plus a hundred more. It was all day long. Every night I fell into bed without an iota of strength to write or even brainstorm. I can’t, however, say that it was all slaving and no fun. I got to see some loved ones. I played some righteous games of Bananagrams. I shopped…and I took care of my mother, who spent 18 years and some change making sure I turned out okay. She deserved every drop of energy I spent on her.
I met someone. Everyone told me It happens when you least expect it—I promise to never, ever say this to a single girlfriend EVER—but it was true in my case. I was finally not sweating the details or intently looking for something serious. Then I got a text from the person I would least have expected it from, which led to an amazing first date and, several more dates down the line, a wonderful boyfriend.
I was having fun. I was laughing with friends, allowing myself pleasure, running, dancing, eating good food, drinking cocktails, hashing, reading, working, hugging, giggling, meeting new people, travelling. I was running myself ragged. It didn’t give me much time to think about things, which is something I tend to do when I have lots to think about! I became somewhat emotionally lazy. At times I stressed myself out worrying. If there is one thing I am sure about myself, it’s that I’m not a lazy person. So why did it feel like I was changing in an undesirable direction?
I got lost in the whirlwind of all these things for a moment. Silly me. I thought I finally knew exactly who I was, what I wanted, and who my community consisted of. I constantly had to remind myself that everything is in its rightful place, at the right pace. And my world shifted, as it always does.
It was scary and incredible. As humans, we should never have all the answers. We should constantly be changing. Part of that is allowing yourself to recognize the gift of taking breaks. Taking time to smell the roses, if you want to wax poetic about it. One thing I always hear about myself is how busy I am. How many plans I make. What if I were to let life come to me for once so I could enjoy the ride, instead of always chasing control?
I know the universe will always provide me with prospects. I just have to slow down, give that control freak a breather, and welcome those opportunities when they come, with the understanding that the maze is always going to change; all I have to do is be present inside of it.

Today

I will honor the silence.
I will do what feels good.
I will not be self critical.
I will love myself.
I will respect my choices.
I will have an attitude of gratitude.
I will be creative.
I will listen to the messages when they come in.
I will learn that I can do these things every day, one day at a time.
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Destiny’s Children–First Anniversary Blog!

I can’t believe it! THIS CURIOUS UNIVERSE turns one year old today! I want to thank every person who has ever purposely or accidently stumbled onto my blog and took the time to read it. Truly my writing is for me, but it does wonders for my confidence and drive when I know other people are seeing it and maybe even getting something out of it the way I have.
This blog has birthed an astonishing amount of discovery within my life. More often than not, I’ll start writing about one thing and end up engaging in a dialogue about something completely different that grew out of the original seed. This birthing analogy is particularly strong within me today for a number of reasons. The most obvious has already been said:  the birth of self-discovery. Another, more literal, reason is the amount of new babies coming into my life this year. There have been times when it felt like someone passed around the pregnancy Koolaid and I was the only one who didn’t drink it…but it’s a beautiful thing, and I am so happy for all of them. It also makes me ponder how far I’ve come in this life, and what remarkable things I am yet destined to do. (Babies included!)
Recently, I was at a seminar called How To Work With Difficult, Demanding & Inconsiderate People, and a woman stood up and told the group about this practice that takes positivity, gratitude, and manifestation and binds them together (pun intended) in a helpful way that makes us focus on them every day. I like that, because I tend to get lost in the busyness of my days, the to-do lists, the who-what-when-where, and as I’m crawling into bed, realize that I forgot to work on my manifest destiny,* but that now I’m too tired to do anything about it. I’m sure that I’m not alone here. The basic idea was to choose a special journal and every day, on each two-page spread, write two lists:

I am grateful for…

I aspire to have/be…

   
   
   
   
   

 
The result is that all the positive ions you are producing from feeling grateful automatically get sprinkled into the dreams you aspire to, making your goals feel close-at-hand and effortless! It takes only minutes, but can have a big impact on your attitude towards life.
*If you are unfamiliar with the original Manifest Destiny, it was (on a very elementary level) the idea that we (in that particular case, WASP Americans) are meant to expand across the continent. My own personal manifest destiny is not unlike its original, except I do not want to obtain an entire continent…something closer to a province-du-Becky. I want to grow into my most amazing self by being my own best friend, and a positive inspiration to every unique person in my life.
The physical expression of this theoretically goes like this: I write down my goals and now I’m supposed to look at them every single night, thinking about the next step in achieving these goals. But I don’t do it every single night, because who wants to look at the same piece of paper and think deep thoughts when there is no real action taking place? Being who I am, however, writing something new every night reminds me that every word I write gets me closer to my goal of publishing my novel, marrying my dream man, having the life I’ve always wanted, etc. Even if you don’t aspire to be the next Hunter S. Thompson, seeing the words in front of you may just be a great way to light that fire.
Think about it this weekend, and if you are lucky enough to have time off, take the opportunity to start your journal and get one step closer to your dreams.