Challenging Conversations, Conscious Choices: Part I

The other day, my coworker, Hannah, and I had a talk about race, which is a pretty frequent topic with us—especially these days. She is black and I am white. I come from the Midwest, where it was mostly black and white when I was growing up (that demographic has changed somewhat since my childhood); she is from DC, where there is a huge variety of cultures and ethnic backgrounds. Being from areas of more prevalent African-American presence, we converse with ease about the current racial discourse.
That day, when a coworker overheard us talking, she put on her “mama bear” voice and tutted loudly enough so we could hear it. The space between cubicles is small and the “walls” are thin to begin with. I can only guess that she felt we were getting a little too deep for a coffee break conversation. Or was it because she felt the topic was inappropriate?
Here in the Pacific Northwest, many people, white people in particular, are afraid to speak when it comes to race relations. There is a legitimate societal reason for this—Oregon is known for its tawdry past (and, unfortunately, some current history as well) with the treatment of African Americans. More than likely, folks around here also don’t have enough experience to talk about it with any sort of confidence. Second, and more realistically, they may think that because we are in a predominantly white area that these problems won’t come here…and so they push those topics under the rug. Unfortunately, many people don’t have that luxury.
So many times in Portland I have heard passive racism. A man I was dating once said, “Stop talking like that!” when I sassed him. What he meant was, stop talking like a sassy, loud black woman. But I wasn’t talking like a sassy black woman. I was talking like Becky. That’s me; it’s how I grew up. The way I speak comes from my environment, yes. Maybe the “norm” of sassiness stereotypically comes from black women—we see this reinforced all the time in the media, which in turn bleeds into the way we think. But passive racism is still racism. (And don’t think this sassy woman didn’t call him out on it!)
This past Monday evening, I went to a Science on Tap talk at Revolution Hall in SE Portland. Dr. Larry Sherman was there, speaking about the neuroscience of prejudice. I was fascinated. Before he got into the actual science of it, he gave a little bit of the history of racism in America. He spoke about the theory of colorblindness that was spread throughout the sixties and seventies, which then trickled down to my generation. Our parents were taught not to observe color at all. If a child asked his mother, “Why does that boy have darker skin?” the mother would hush her child and change the subject instead of explaining that people come in all colors. Thus, this topic turned into a taboo one. It was incredibly refreshing to hear Dr. Sherman talk about this “taboo” topic.
Without a doubt, I proudly seek out people from diverse cultures to talk to. I attend presentations like the one Dr. Sherman gave, as well as pursue events in Portland with multicultural emphasis such as the Whiteness History Month at Portland Community College this past spring. I attend cultural festivals, have delved into Middle Eastern traditions through belly dance, and have even developed my education through salsa dancing! For me, it’s all about learning new things and respecting diversity.
When I talk about race, I use my history. I talk openly about experiences and what my truth is. I am respectful in my dialogue with others. I REFUSE to not talk about it. Impeccability with our words is of the utmost importance. You know what’s not impeccable? Being silent. Being a privileged white woman doesn’t give me glasses that block out all the bad things that are happening to others. And just because I don’t have brown skin doesn’t mean I can’t talk about these people as HUMAN BEINGS—humans who are made of love, just like every other color human on the earth. We are all made of that same love. Sometimes it is hard to remember when we are seeing such horrors in the news.
We are trained for shame.
We are trained to have selective knowledge.
We are trained to protect ourselves first.
Retrain your brain.
Educate yourself. If you have a question, ASK!
Spread love and be love.
Speak with respect and warm intention. It will get you miles further than speaking with arrogance and ignorance.

11 responses to “Challenging Conversations, Conscious Choices: Part I”

  1. mandyzelinka2015 Avatar

    Well said homie. So good. So good.
    I grew up in Portland when there were far more black folks around and I’ve been trying to put my finger on how to properly break down Portland’s current social racial climate but now I don’t have to.

    1. beckydancer Avatar

      Thank you for reading, Mandy! It’s really interesting to hear the experiences of the (few) people who grew up here. Thanks for sharing!

  2. Jenni Bost (@jennibost) Avatar

    I am a people pleaser in all ways and tend to hold things in to avoid confrontation. NOT something I am proud of, but something I’ve learned over the past couple of years. I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with speaking when it is needed and trying to understand where others are coming from when they speak. This particular time in America scares me and I hope that when my son looks back he can look and his mother and father as people who helped push things in the right direction rather than sat back and waited to see where things went.

    1. beckydancer Avatar

      Learning to be impeccable with your word is very challenging, I think for almost everyone. We’re human, most of us don’t want to be cruel. I absolutely agree with your thoughts on the current societal climate. Keep pushing forward!!

  3. Marlynn Jayme Schotland Avatar

    As an Asian American who grew up in a very, very white Portland, I can say: it’s definitely not just all black and white. Race relations have been tense between ALL races in Portland for several decades, and I think as long as we are all willing to talk about it, willing to listen, willing to learn, willing to empathize and as long as there is space for understanding, I will always believe there is hope. Like you, I am constantly trying to learn more about other cultures – there are so many amazing things we can learn! Especially with my own children. Thank you for writing this post.

      1. beckydancer Avatar

        I love this. Thank you, Marlynn, for sharing your own experience.

  4. Linda Avatar

    As usual Becky, I think you are an awesome writer! Always good topics that are well written!

    1. beckydancer Avatar

      Thank you, Linda! I really appreciate your support. Hugs!!

  5. […] series came to fruition because of a combination of inspirations (you can read Part I here). First of all, I signed up for a writing class at Portland Community College. Generally, I make an […]

  6. […] to write Part III of this series, Challenging Conversations, Conscious Choices. You can read Part I here and Part II […]

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