Today I went back and read a post that I wrote some time ago. It was a bittersweet commentary on the trials of my weight loss journey, but also a heartwarming reminder of how far I’ve come. The reason I went back to it today was because of the fitness group I joined on Facebook. We were asked to write about our “why.” Why are we choosing to lose weight right now? What is our motivation to achieve our goals? Originally I shared the following piece only with the fitness group, but I decided I needed to get this to a bigger audience. Following is my “why.”
I’ve struggled with my weight and abandonment issues from my parent’s divorce my whole life, and because of that I find it hard to follow through with the things I really want to accomplish. I either give up and desert the project, or, more often, sabotage myself. This includes goals involving my passion for writing, my fervent need to be beautiful (AKA, skinny), and finding (and marrying) the love of my life.
For the longest time, even though my self-esteem wasn’t the greatest, I didn’t stress a whole lot about being fat because I never expected I could change it. When I did finally lose weight, it started a whole domino effect of anxiety because I had all this new pressure. Where before it never mattered because I had zero expectations, suddenly the world was at my fingertips and I was completely unprepared. It was really easy to blame others for my shortcomings, and for a while I thought, things haven’t changed a bit. Why not just stay how I am? My life is fantastic, even if I’m not living the dream of marrying Dr. Handsome and writing that bestseller. I’ve got great friends, a steady job…I have good dates here and there. I can hack it a little longer, getting by how I am. But that’s not how I want to live my life. I want to set meaningful goals and attain them, NOW (starting with being focused on them better). I want to be able to tell myself every day that I am worthy of a beautiful and healthy relationship. I want to break the chains of inadequacy that I’ve carried from a very young age—and that I’ve continued to carry all on my own, using them as an excuse to be average.
Doing all that takes a concerted effort, and a community. I’m so used to doing things for myself, being single for such a long time, but letting people in, and, God-forbid, letting others see my vulnerabilities, is so important. It’s not something I do lightly. It takes faith in my community, and love for myself.
I know that I have to let go of my past in order to be the future amazing Becky that’s always been inside. Grasping onto my communities’ outstretched hands is a great start. Spending time with people from all corners of my world is a very important part of that. I’ve got my running community, my writing peers, my dance family, my work buddies, fellow gamers and hikers and coffee-lovers, Blazer fans, my blood family. But it’s more than just spending time, and it’s more than just hoping a few of you will read my blog and empathize. Getting vulnerable with yourself and your “people” is not a one-stop deal. Clearly, you readers have seen that for the last two years that I’ve been writing this blog. Of course I hope to inspire others, but letting out my fears and emotions in this medium is a very important part of my process, and I thank you for being my audience and safety net. You, love, are a very big part of my success in this life, because we all need love to thrive.
This is the first piece in a miniseries called WHY. I look forward to sharing parts II and III very soon.
11 thoughts on “WHY: Part I”
Now! You are expressing the core. A prerequisite of good writing is first having suffered. Now travel can broaden your experiences. Perhaps interviewing unusual characters within Oregon. Take a case of beer or a few bottles of wine and find some Hippies, country musicians, or descendants of pioneers to chat with. Devise some serial piece that you’re publishing to explain the reason for your interview. You know, “we’re doing a interviews of the folks who came here in the 60s and 70s in pursuit of an alternate lifestyle after the social revolution in the late 60s”. Cook up a bunch of good questions.
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I like that idea a lot! Thanks Jan!
This is an emoticon my friend and I made up before there were all the fancy ones people use now. It’s a hug. 🙂
As always, your comments are honest, insightful and truthful for many of us. We share your story and it is an inspiration. You ARE living the DREAM! You are BEING your beautiful self! Keep on talking, dancing, writing and coming from and into love! Loving you!
I do my best every day to do just that! Much love.
It’s awful how pervasive body image issues are. Too many of us don’t know how to love ourselves. Great that you are spreading the word!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wholeheartedly agree.
What a great honest post, thank you for sharing. It is a brave, and big step to open up your vulnerabilities to the world with the hope that the world will reach back to you – but so far the world has never disappointed me.
I am glad to hear that the universe speaks to you as it does me. I think it’s important to recognize that things won’t just be dropped in our laps, but we can reach out for support when we need to.